What is this world coming to? It seems that every time I turn around, some restaurant, ice cream parlor, or donut shop is offering me free food. How is a man to spend money in this environment? How is a man to live? Yes, you read it right – both McDonald’s Corporation (NYSE:MCD) and Dunkin Donuts are giving away free food today, May 15. It’s bad enough that two weeks ago I was compelled to eat free Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and almost-free Baskin-Robbins ice cream. Now, in a blatant ongoing conspiracy against human decency, more stores are literally throwing free food at their customers. McDonald’s is offering their new Southern-style chicken sandwich (or breakfast biscuit) for free with the purchase of a medium or large soft drink, and Dunkin Donuts is giving away a completely free 16oz Iced Coffee in its stores from 10am-10pm.

Luckily, Dunkin Donuts doesn’t exist where I live in California—all its stores are tucked away at safe distances far east of me. The first bullet is dodged. However, McDonald’s is only a mile from my house, and I am now forced to consume a ridiculously cheap Southern-style chicken sandwich for lunch. How dare they. How dare they tempt me with such offerings. I should be paying exorbitant amounts of money for lunch today. Instead, I’ll be paying hardly more than $1 for a sandwich and drink that should cost $5.

The nerve. The audacity! The horror.